A new survey conducted by Mrs Pearson’s year 5 class has revealed that a shocking 110% of children leave primary school without a basic knowledge of Maths. The survey was lead by 9 year old Jimmy Collins who was selected as the most qualified to do the survey. Jimmy found that out of the 25 people he surveyed 26 of them did not understand maths whilst 3 of them just sat and pulled funny faces.
Further investigation revealed that 7/5ths of teachers in the 9 member department said that they “didn’t quite understand it themselves, now that you mention it”, while 1.6 of them failed to count to 10.
When looking through Jimmy’s survey we were able to find detailed maps of the UK, the chemical formula for glucose and a brief explanation of string theory, but no child was able to show even a basic grasp of Maths. “It’s really worrying” said Mrs. Pearson. “These kids are just one year away from their vital SATS tests and if they don’t get up to standard quick we may as well say goodbye to their futures.”
These shocking results has once called to question the government’s policy to rely on data provided by 9 year olds.
Thursday 18 March 2010
Miscalculation reveals Spain is richest country
A major miscalculation by Spain’s financial department has hidden the fact that Spain has been the world richest country for the past 40 years. The mistake began almost 50 years ago when, the then illiterate dictator, General Franco failed to carry the one when adding up the countries tax returns. This culminated in the current calculation of the nations GDP at 1.6 trillion rather than 16 trillion, making the country 2 trillion richer than the United States.
The error was discovered during a public address by current Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Carlos Gonzales Costa Zapareto, better known as Bob. After staring at the financial data for near fifteen minutes in front of the Spanish press, Bob finally announced “Fuck, we shouldn’t have joined the EU.”
This revelation also means that Spain’s old currency Pesetas, formerly a substitute for toilet paper, is now the world’s most valuable currency. The currency is so valuable that it is now being used by countries that have nothing to do with Spain.
Both Greece and Turkey have decided to use Pesetas to try clear their national debt.
Once the initial embarrassment has cleared, Spain will surely enjoy their new position as the world’s superpower and have already revealed plans to invade “most of Western Asia.”
The error was discovered during a public address by current Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Carlos Gonzales Costa Zapareto, better known as Bob. After staring at the financial data for near fifteen minutes in front of the Spanish press, Bob finally announced “Fuck, we shouldn’t have joined the EU.”
This revelation also means that Spain’s old currency Pesetas, formerly a substitute for toilet paper, is now the world’s most valuable currency. The currency is so valuable that it is now being used by countries that have nothing to do with Spain.
Both Greece and Turkey have decided to use Pesetas to try clear their national debt.
Once the initial embarrassment has cleared, Spain will surely enjoy their new position as the world’s superpower and have already revealed plans to invade “most of Western Asia.”
JP Morgan Chase's shares first to become negative
After two years of embarrassment for JP Morgan Chase, one of America’s biggest investment companies, their shares have finally become the first in history to become negative in value. Shareholders were literally paying people to become owners of the shares saying “we could not take the humiliation of being associated with this company anymore.”
And JP Morgan Chase were not the only company to experience this new low. Strippers in areas around the financial sectors revealed a 2000% rise in the amount shares used as tips, while all 115 billion shares of Citi Group mysteriously went missing leaving the company with no owners.
The latest drop in shares was the result of court cases being brought by the city of Milan against 4 banks, including JP Morgan Chase and Deutsche Bank. Representatives of Milan claim they were mislead into buying derivatives with Bankers telling them “these will make you richer than Italy” and “all the cool cities are buying them.”
American farmer James Jones was the only person willing to accept the shares and is now sole owner of JP Morgan Chase, who he plans to rename “Bank”. At 10 bucks a share, James Jones is now easily the richest man in the world, becoming the world’s first trillionaire, but Jones admits that this doesn’t come close to repairing the embarrassment of actually owning JP Morgan Chase.
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We are all Doomed is a news parody site taking a relevant and irrelevant look at the stories everyone is talking about and adding its own silly spin on it. This site is not intended to offend anyone although that may be a side effect. This part of the blog focus' on the front page stories, http://wearealldoomed-frontpage.blogspot.com/, if you are the kind of person who starts from the back page then this may be more appropriate for you, http://wearealldoomed-backpage.blogspot.com/ . Hope you enjoy what I have to say, however pointless it may be.
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